Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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