Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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