So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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