; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
