i barfeds in our rink
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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