Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
