Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
