He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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