you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
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Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
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i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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