I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
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I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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