Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
