college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
