I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
