I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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