turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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