I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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