Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
