Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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