4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
