so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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