I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
