What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
