I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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