During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
