Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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