Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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