I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
