just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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