I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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