I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The ass gains better be worth it
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