Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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