Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
