I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
