You're completely useless in the revolution.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
