just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
