You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
