having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
