a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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