dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
