every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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