Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
