Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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