I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
