thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
