don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We got so high we made milksteak
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
