he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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