Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
