she woke up with a sticky ear
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
