tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
