do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
