Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
