just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
