i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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