It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
